What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 02:35
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Ive learnt so much.
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I waited trembling.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Put me off passion for life!!
She loved him until the end.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Why do I sweat a great deal while exercising the same on some days and not so much on others?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
It was going to be , some day.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Would this be the day?
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
This is soul school!.
Is it normal to hate my dog, but feel too guilty to get rid of him?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
One cannot live in the past .
What does it mean if someone asks if it’s pink?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
So, i spoilt her more .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Do you remember one day, you put a deep smile on someone's face and made them very happy?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
So whats the point in blame.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She found it foreign!.
I was seconnd youngest,
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was scared of men, in general
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He knew the spot.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
All the time i was locked up.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Why did i forgive my father ?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I could never make a relationship work though!
My family never makes their pension either.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I said to her
Im still living with it.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I don,t even have a pension.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was very sick at this time too.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Who then, do I blame.?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
What did i know ?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And i lived it daily.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I couldn’t, believe it.
We were not on the streets..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Comes on , in middle age.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As i do to all so called friends.?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We all went to grammer schools
Was to survive, this bastard.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But it wasn’t much.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I will be 64.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
When she asked me how she looked .
I have no regrets .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She was in good health!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He resisted the act ,that day.
She wouldn,t have been !
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I write beautiful poetry .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She married twice! .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was 9 years of age.
My life is so biszare .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But, we were locked up after school.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I think the readers, may guess!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.